


Wake Me Up When Everything Changes

by Blehlove



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Drug Use, F/M, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Rough Sex, Sex, Soulmates, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Feels, We’re Going To Fix This Shit, all the feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:21:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23402029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blehlove/pseuds/Blehlove
Summary: In the aftermath of The Snap Finley Pierce doesn’t know what to do with her life. After losing her soulmate Bucky Barnes life seems to have lost all meaning. With the help of Tony's inventions and a new street drug she continuously relives the best memories of the man she’s lost. Can anyone pull her out of the hell she’s lost herself in? Can they all save each other in the process of trying to bring back their fallen friends?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. I Lost My Faith

**Author's Note:**

> So I haven’t given up on Sleepwalking I’m just writing this at the same time because inspiration struck and I have entirely too much time on my hands right now. This one is going to be an angst filled doozy. There’s going to be a lot of flashbacks and and time jumps but I’ll label everything accordingly and it won’t get confusing. I felt like their was a lot more that should have been explored in the five year span we missed out on add in an ofc and the soulmate trope and voila! 
> 
> “ I lost my faith  
> I'm losing my religion every day  
> Time hasn't been kind to me, I pray  
> When I look inside the mirror and see someone I love  
> Oh, someone I love” Faith by The Weeknd

Chapter 1: I Lost My Faith

What do you do when your entire reason for living is ripped away from you? How do you live? How am I supposed to survive this? I collapse onto the ground beside Steve, next to the dead body of Vision. On instinct Steve reaches out to steady me. His big hands are grasping my arms. He’s speaking to me, looking both devastated and concerned. Of course he’d be concerned even after all that’s happening, he still has to try to be the savior, the protector. I realize now that his voice isn’t reaching my ears, my vision is blurring around the edges, I’m cold. Someone calls out my name before I fall into darkness. 

*********************

“She’s waking up!” Is that Pepper? 

The room is too bright as I peel my eyes open. It is Pepper. She’s standing beside Natasha, Steve, and Bruce. Wait am I in the medical bay at the compound? How the hell did we get here? How long have I been out? 

“How are you feeling Finley?” Bruce is fiddling with a bag of fluid hanging from an IV pole. Wait why do I have an IV? I’m not in my tactical gear anymore, I’m in a T-shirt and sweats I don’t think I’ve worn in years. Not since I started wearing Bucky’s….Bucky! Oh God! 

“How the fuck do you think I’m feeling!?” My voice is louder than it should be and everyone visibly flinches. The feel of the needle under my skin is making me sick, shouldn’t they have known better than to do that? Before anyone even realizes my intentions I’m unceremoniously ripping the IV out of my arm. Steve shoots me a disapproving look as does Bruce.

“You were severely dehydrated. You’ve been out for almost three days, I’m not quite sure why other than stress and exhaustion.” I lost my soul mate, that’s why. No one has ever loved anyone the way Bucky and I love each other, that’s what Natasha has always said. 

Steve pulls a chair up to my hospital bed and sits down as close as he can to me. He reaches out to take my hand in his but it only takes a moment for the contact to be too much, I rip my hand away from his. I can’t shut him out right now and I can barely handle my own grief. He must understand because he doesn’t press the issue. 

“We’re going to get through this together Fin. We’ll find a way to bring them all back.” Why do I have a feeling that isn’t going to happen? There’s so much emotion wanting to burst forth out of me, how long can I hold it in?

***************

Three weeks have passed at a snails pace. The days blur together. When did I last eat? When did I last sleep? The compound is always too quiet even with all of us that are left living here. No one knows what to say or do. Steve and Natasha spend all their time trying to find Thanos, trying to find a solution. Everyone checks on me fifty times a day like I’m a child. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to do anything. 

Pepper entering my room means it’s dinner time. She takes a seat on the end of my bed. Anyone outside of those who know her well might think she still looks like the perfectly coiffed CEO of Stark Industries. All I see is someone whose pain echos my own. Of course she still looks far more put together than me. I can’t remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair. I’ve been wearing sweatpants that are getting looser by the day and one of Bucky’s henleys for three days now. 

“Will you please come eat dinner? I know it feels like you can’t breathe right now but I’d feel a little better if I had you next to me at the table.” Pepper isn’t the kind of woman to try to guilt you into something, she’s too straight forward for that. She genuinely means what she says. She and Tony have always been like the older siblings I always wanted, well at least they were before Siberia. Pepper still always kept in touch even if Tony wasn’t willing to forgive me for siding with Steve, for choosing Bucky. 

“I don’t know if I can Pep.” Theres so much more I want to say, things I need to say, but the words are stuck. I’m scared if I voice any of it that it won’t stop, that everything I’m trying so desperately to keep in will escape. Is there even a point anymore? 

There’s a loud whirring sound that interrupts our conversation, the windows of my room are shaking from what id guess to be some kind of aircraft. Peppers eyes widen in what I’m assuming is hope as she darts from my room. Had that strange woman Carol Danvers really found someone floating out in the middle of space? When she appeared on Earth saying she had received a page from Nick Fury and Thor’s new friend Rocket had told her he was receiving a distress call from his and his former teams spacecraft the collective hope was that somehow Tony would be a passenger on the ship. Could that be the case? 

For the first time in weeks I drag myself from my bed. When I reach the front lawn where everyone else is already standing I stop dead in my tracks because Tony Stark is alive. Tears prick at my eyes as I watch Steve help him across the lawn into Pepper’s waiting arms. I’m not smiling though, the relief leaves as quickly as it came. Am I incapable of being happy now? Jealousy rears it’s ugly head at the looks of love being shared between Pepper and Tony. 

*********************

It took all of twenty minutes of us all being seated at the table together for the fighting to begin. Obviously time hasn’t done a damn thing to heal the rift between Steve and Tony. The rage, grief, regret, all of everyone’s emotions are slamming into me with so much force that I want to scream. I can’t block any of it out right now. I haven’t had this lack of control over my abilities since I was a child. It’s amplifying everything within me and I can’t handle it anymore. 

“Shut up! Both of you shut the fuck up!” All eyes shift to me. I don’t even realize I’m standing for a moment. It’s Tony that speaks up because of my harsh comment. 

“You’re looking a little rough there kid. I think you need to sit back down.” It’s the bitterness in his tone that finally makes me lose it. A humorless laugh bubbles it’s way out of me and I realize I’m sounding a little beyond hysterical. If he had any sense he would have stoped there. 

“I know you’re a little upset about your mindless assassin booty call getting dusted but if you ask me it might just be one of the only positive things to come out of all of this so why don’t you get a grip and…” He’s crying out in pain and laying on the floor with his hands gripping either side of his head before anyone even has a chance to realize what’s happening. Steve grips me by my arms and tries to shake me to break my concentration, he’s yelling my name. Everyone else who knows me well enough to know what’s happening looks on in horror. Do I look like a monster with my eyes glowing an unnatural green? When was the last time I had used my powers like this? Used them for anything other than good, to heal? The last time Tony and I had spoken I had threatened but never had I acted, especially not on someone I cared about. 

“How’s it feel Ton? That’s just a taste of what’s going on inside of me right now! That’s the pain I’m living with every second of every day. That combined with the rest of your guys’s bullshit. Don’t you ever, ever, say a god damn word about him ever again. Or I swear to God I will use ever ounce of power inside me to destroy you.” Even Steve looks at me like I’ve gone too far but it’s Pepper’s sobs that get me to break the mental hold I have on Tony. 

“Finley, he already needed medical attention! You can’t lash out like this just because you’re hurt, we’ve all lost people here.” Steve Rogers is one of my best friends but that doesn’t matter right now. None of this matters. His words just continue to fuel the already boiling rage I can’t contain. 

“And whose fault is that!” The pain that statement caused him is written plainly in his expression, like I’d slapped him across the face. Natasha shakes her head at me, trying to stop the torrent of abuse that’s about to leave my mouth. “Neither one of you could put aside your fucking arrogance to fix things. If we wouldn’t have been divided none of this would have happened! You had two years to mend fences! And you know what I was doing for that two years?” Tony looks up at me from his spot on the floor, he looks more exhausted than anything. Steve looks like he might actually cry. Of course everyone is too upset to say anything so I continue. 

“I spent two months helping Shuri remove Hydra’s corruption and programming from Bucky’s mind. I spent one year and four months helping Bucky acclimate to a new life, to actually living his life for the first time in over seventy years.” My voice cracks as tears stream down my face but I continue on. “The last six months I spent being his WIFE.” Shock and even more sadness is leaking out of Steve’s aura. He goes to speak but I cut him off. “He didn’t want to fight anymore. He wanted to keep farming for T’challa, he wanted to raise more animals. He wanted to build us a real house rather than the hut we were living in. He wanted to continue to walk with me to the market every Saturday. He wanted to keep learning science shit from Shuri that I’d never understand but he did because he was so damn smart and I loved hearing him talk about it all because he lit up every single time. He wanted to have kids! He just wanted to be happy!” I know Steve is crying now too but I can’t see through my tears. “Wasn’t it enough that he spent seventy years being abused and tortured and used? He didn’t deserve to pay the price for your fuck ups! I lost my soulmate. We were a perfect match, a perfect soul bond. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know the survival rate of the other half once one of you dies?” The silence after I stop yelling is deafening. There’s so much more to say but I’ve already said too much. Beneath the agony of my loss I’m aware that I shouldn’t have lashed out at the people I love. I can’t take it back now and a sick part of me needed to say those words, needed someone to hurt. 

I turn around without another word and make my way back to my room. My tears have all dried up. Do I have anything left to give? Even lowering myself onto my bed is exhausting, but I let sleep pull me under the second my head hits the pillow. It’s the first night in these three weeks that I dream of Bucky. I dream of the first night I ever met him, before I knew who he was, when I was only a child. 

***************

My life began with blinding whiteness, at least what I remember as the beginning. My first memory is being lost in an endless frozen tundra. I can still feel the unsettling coldness that had crept into my tiny bones, I was only four. The tears had seemed to freeze to my cheeks. My cries for my father were lost on the harsh Siberian winds. What happened? Why was I alone out there freezing to death? 

I remember falling, being too tired to stand. My body was shivering violently. My white coat, furry white hat, and gloves had me almost becoming one with my snow filled surroundings if it weren’t for the shock of black waves that fell almost to my waist. Green eyes were heavy and if it weren’t for the sudden crunch of nearby footfall I may have fallen asleep and never woken up again. 

There was a man standing above me. His top made from black leather and a mask and goggles covering his face, weapons were strapped to his waist and I knew I should’ve been scared but all I felt was the relief of calmness that swept over me the second he came into view. He held a gloved hand out to me and I took it without question. 

The journey back to my father had felt like hours and of course he didn’t so much as thank the mystery man but at the time that didn’t matter, I was just happy to be back with the person I thought was my safe haven. I had turned to the man in black before he could leave and wrapped myself around one of his legs in a hug, he had saved me after all. He patted me gently on the back which for some reason made my father angry. There was so much I didn’t understand then, so many secrets being kept, so many lies.

**************

I wake up with a gasp at the sound of someone knocking on my door. Tears are already welling in my eyes. Can I please just go back to sleep? Will I see him again? 

My door pushes open, I’m more than a little surprised to see Pepper standing there. I sit up but don’t move to sit up or say anything.  
“For what it’s worth I know Tony will be sorry once he wakes up.” I’m confused. Shouldn’t she be mad at me for what I did earlier? I move my legs as she steps forward and plops down at the foot of my bed. 

“I shouldn’t have used my powers against him.” My voice is small and strained. Pepper exhales loudly and shakes her head before meeting my eyes.

“No you shouldn’t have but I’d rather see you act like that than the lack of emotion you’ve been showing lately. Tony shouldn’t have said that about Bucky, least of all to you, he was asking for a bad reaction. He’s hurt and lashing out same as you. You know I don’t agree with his beliefs when it comes to Bucky. I know it wasn’t him who did all those things and deep down Tony does too but he has no idea how else to process that grief.” I still have so much anger swimming through my veins, so much pain. 

“None of it really matters now though does it? He’s dead and he’s not coming back.” The disappointment and sadness that’s painted across Peppers face is too much for me to handle. I look down at my hands as I pick at the skin that surround my fingernails, a nervous habit that Bucky would usually chide me for. 

“Steve and the others left with Carol. They’ve located Thanos…they want to try to reverse things.” My eyes snap back up to hers. What? They left without me. 

“Why didn’t anyone wake me up!?” I’m on my feet again, pacing like something caged and that’s how I’m feeling. 

“Nat thought it best to let you rest. Everyone has been so worried and they didn’t want you to make any rash decisions.” Bitter laughter echoes through my room as I feel myself losing control again. 

“Why is everyone so god damn worried about me!? We’ve all been depressed!” She holds her hands up in defense, trying to get me to calm down, I know my eyes must be glowing again and I take a few deep breaths to reign myself in. 

“Fin, we all love you. You’re always the strong one and you’re always comforting everyone else no matter how bad it gets and now it’s like you’ve completely shut down. It’s understandable given all you’ve been through in the past…well your whole life really. But you not putting up some kind of a fight or helping with the search lately? It’s unsettling.” Her statement hits hard and I almost hate her for a moment for it. 

“If you all wanted me to fight you should have woken me up and let me go with them!” Yelling at Pepper isn’t productive and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve it but I’m being ruled by my emotions. Tony could waltz right in and say pot meet kettle and he’d be right, I’m no better than him. Even now Pep doesn’t raise her voice at me. 

“Would you have really been helping though or would you have just blindly went after Thanos with nothing but revenge on your mind? Hurting him won’t help us and Steve knows that.” Id be an unstable liability, even I know that. 

“We will never win until we’re all united again. The Avengers are broken and I’m not sure there’s any way to fix things. Our dead are just that, dead. I just hope those who left make it back in one piece.” She seems to realize there’s nothing left to say because she leaves my room with nothing but a softly muttered goodnight. 

***********

I’m not surprised that the trip through space was for what amounted to be nothing. I’m a little envious that Thor got to chop the evil bastards head off but I’m not particularly more upset than I already have been. I swing wildly between feeling completely numb and so overwrought with heartache that I can’t even bring myself to sit up in bed.  
Everyone seems to try their best to move forward but not me. I’m stuck. I don’t even know why Natasha and Steve haven’t kicked me out of the compound. 

Tony and Pepper married quietly and left to build their own home and life. Bruce disappeared to Wakanda to do something science related. Rhodey is off trying to find Clint who has disappeared entirely. Carol, Rocket, and Nebula are back in space helping where they can. Thor returned to the newly built New Asgard though he seems to not be fairing much better than I am. We’re even more broken than before. I don’t even know what the point in living is anymore but there’s some tiny speck of hope buried beneath the endless layers of negative emotions that maybe somehow someway I won’t have lost the love of my life forever. Is it possible or will I just drown in my despair before death finally decides to take me?


	2. The Ghost of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “At the end of the world  
> Or the last thing I see  
> You are  
> Never coming home  
> Never coming home  
> Could I  
> Should I  
> And all the things that you never ever told me  
> And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
> Never coming home  
> Never coming home  
> Could I  
> Should I  
> And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
> For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me” The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance

It’s been a year since my world ended. Steve or Natasha leave meals outside of my door which I barely ever eat. I’ve lost more weight than is healthy. I don’t talk to anyone, everyone has pretty much stopped trying. I don’t train or workout anymore. I really don’t do anything anymore except succumb to sleep when it takes me. My nightmares have gotten unbearable. I dream of the torture I endured as a child, of the torture I endured when I found out the truth of who my father was. I dream of Bucky being ripped away from me. I’m having a hard time remembering the way his hair felt between my fingers, the way his laugh sounded, the taste of his lips on mine, the way he always smelled like gunpowder and freshly mowed grass and whatever cologne he was testing out at the time. The more I forget the further into depression I sink. 

I’m doing what I do everyday, laying in bed, when I hear the sound of my lock being picked. I don’t even bother moving to greet the intruder. My harsh bright lights turn on and I drape an arm over my eyes to protect them. 

“Get out of bed and get in the shower.” Of course it’s Natasha. I make no move to answer or get out of bed. She makes a loud sound of irritation before releasing a string of curses in Russian. “Rogers!” Steve isn’t going to be able to convince me either so I don’t know why she’s bothering yelling for him. I hear the sound of my shower being turned on before I’m being unceremoniously lifted from my bed. 

“What the fuck Steve!?” I flail around to no avail as he keeps a tight grip on me. 

“First words you’ve said to me in at least six months Fin. We can’t let you continue on this way.” Natasha is holding my shower curtain back while Steve tries to deposit me into the tub as gently as he can with my flailing. Once I’m in he leaves the bathroom but Natasha doesn’t. 

“Strip out of your clothes and wash yourself, you stink.” I rip my wet clothes off and whip them angrily over the top of the curtain.I hope they hit her. She’s silent for a few minutes while I wash my hair and body. When I turn the water off and open the curtain with a glare she hands me a towel. Of course she doesn’t look to be bothered by my nudity or my anger in the least bit.

A pair of jeans and a silk blouse I haven’t worn in a year sit on the toiled lid waiting for me. “I don’t want to wear those.” She shrugs and quirks an eyebrow. 

“I don’t care what you want. We’re going on a trip and you need to look like a human again.” That bitter laugh that’s become so familiar now bubbles out of my throat. 

“I’m not going anywhere! I’m not a child and you sure as fuck aren’t my mom.” Shes shoots me an unimpressed look but doesn’t seem angry.

“Then stop acting like a child and get dressed or I’ll sedate you and do it myself.” Of course she will. The feel of denim against my skin is unfamiliar after so long and the jeans are way too loose on me. The shirt is baggier than it should be too but I don’t exactly care. Natasha hands me a belt, a look of concern flashes on her face before she’s back to that very well practiced neutral expression. 

When Nat and I walk back into my bedroom I almost scream. Steve is making up by bed with fresh sheets, all the dirty laundry in the corner is gone. 

“Where are my sheets!? Where’s the clothes!?” Steve looks confused at my harsh tone but I ignore him and run out the door towards the laundry room. I sink to my knees as I watch the sheets and clothes swirl around in the washer. Steve chased after me, he’s clearly confused. Tears I haven’t shed in months burst forth out of me.

“Finley what did I do wrong?” Steve fried to lay a comforting hand on my shoulder but I slap it away.

“Some of those shirts still kind of smelled like him, those sheets were the last ones he slept on.” Is it pathetic? Absolutely. Does that make this hurt any less? Nope. He sighs and sits down on the floor beside me. I lift my head to meet those sky blue eyes head on. God he looks so sad, looks so understanding. 

“Oh doll, I’m so sorry.” The words are said with such sincerity and compassion but they make me go instantly tense, they make the tears fall harder.

“Don’t call me that Stevie. I don’t want anyone to ever call me that again.” The sadness etches into his face even further. When he holds his arms out to me I don’t fight him, I let him pull me into his arms and he wraps himself around me like I’m a child. My sobs wrack both our bodies and I’m not certain all the tears are mine anymore. He allows me to cry until there’s nothing left and then he helps me to my feet. 

“I want you to come to one of my meetings with me.” That’s what this is all about? Natasha reappears in the doorway behind us. I’m sure she listened to the whole damn breakdown. I know Nat doesn’t go to Steve’s meetings but she must want to go for support. This is an intervention. There’s a part of me that wants to lash out in anger but a deeper more buried part of me feels for these two people who have always meant so much to me, they want to help me. “Please Fin? If not for you then please do it for us.” I’m amazed that they can still care after how I’ve treated them this last year. 

“Yea, ok.” Steve’s face lights up in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. Natasha loops her arm through mine and leads me out to her car. 

The drive into the city is depressing even for me. Piles of garbage line the streets, businesses have been abandoned, there’s hardly any people out wandering around. Not that I blame them, they’re probably terrified of what else could come falling out of the sky to wreak havoc and destruction. 

Natasha and I follow Steve into the VA office. We’re here before anyone else arrives of course since Steve runs the meeting. Natasha helps Steve take overturned chairs off the tables to set in a circle. The familiarity of standing in a place like this hits me like a sucker punch. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was in one of Sam’s meetings in Washington DC. God I miss Sam. His quick wit and unending amount of compassion. I miss the way Sam and Bucky bickered like they were always vying for the right to be called Steve’s best friend, they cared for one another though.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts by Nat calling my name. Nine people eventually file into the room with us. Five women and four men. One of the men is bouncing his leg looking as agitated as I do being here. I sit between my two friends and listen idly as Steve starts the meeting. He’s still just as good at giving speeches as he always has been. Everyone hangs on his every word and they’re all spilling their guts because he’s just so damn inspiring, he brings out the truth in everyone naturally. It’s when the third person starts crying that everything really starts getting to me. I haven’t practiced my control in far too long and I can read everyone’s emotions without meaning to. It’s overwhelming feeling everyone’s pain like my own, on top of my own. What I wouldn’t give to have never been experimented on by Hydra, by my own father right now. I try to block it all out and focus back on Steves voice even though I’m still a little lost in my own thoughts. 

“I’m proud of all of you for sharing and for giving this group a chance. Sometimes it helps to know there’s others going through the same things as you are. With that in mind I think I’m going to go ahead and share some things I’ve been struggling with lately if that’s alright.” Everyone mumbles for him to continue, of course they want to know what troubles Captain America. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my best friend.” My head snaps up at those words. I notice Natasha shifting in the seat next to me. Steve is actively avoiding my burning glare. 

“We grew up together, Bucky and I, he always used to protect me when I was too weak to take up for myself, not that it stopped me from being a stubborn idiot. When my ma died and we were older he still insisted on helping me out and at the time I thought that he was just trying to coddle me. When he’d always bring another girl along for me on outings I thought it was out of pity. When he tried to stop me from joining the army I thought he was just trying to lessen his guilt if his weak friend died on the front lines. It wasn’t until years later when I was the one rescuing him that I realized that he only ever did the things he did out of genuine care for me. He was more than a friend to me, he was my family. Not long before I went in the ice he fell off a train…I thought he died.” I can hear my own pulse. My breathing has quickened and I’m sure I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack. Natasha reaches out and discreetly takes my hand. I don’t even stop her I’m so worked up. 

“When they woke me up seventy years later I was still mourning the loss of my friend. Then I came to find out he wasn’t dead at all.” One of the women in the group speaks up when Steve pauses. 

“Your friend was James Barnes right? The Winter Soldier.” Natasha squeezes my hand when she notices me stiffen further. Steve finally meets my eyes and instead of looking put off by my look of anger and sadness he smiles softly before shaking his head at the woman. 

“Bucky and The Winter Soldier weren’t the same person. He was a tortured and brainwashed POW for seventy years. He saved my life in the aftermath of the events in DC. He remembered me and he found himself again. He found happiness and love.” It’s that that brings me to my feet. How dare he tell any of these people this! How dare he bring me into this. What the hell did he think this was going to accomplish?

“Fuck you Steve!” I hiss it out between gritted teeth and run from not only the room but the building. Natasha is hot on my heels but when I whip around she stops dead in her tracks. My power is leaking out of my every pore and I’m sure it shows in my eyes. “Leave me alone before I do something I can’t take back. Just go home to the compound and I’ll find my way back later.” She doesn’t open her mouth to say anything so I continue on walking down the street. 

I’ve made it a couple blocks and in that time Ive realized someone is following me. Apparently not all my instincts have left me. I turn down an alleyway and wait a moment before I turn back around and grab my shitty stalker by the front of his worn out coat. I slam him probably a little too hard into the brick of a nearby building and hold a blade I had concealed in my sweater pocket to his throat. 

“Woah woah woah!” He holds his hands up in fear and surrender. It’s the fidgeting man from the meeting. 

“Why the hell are you following me?” I’m sure I don’t look much better than I feel and he seems like he realizes he’s in some kind of danger.

“I wanted to see if you really were really Harmonia.” Hearing the stupid name Tony had dubbed my Avenger name spoken aloud again after so long almost makes me snort out a laugh. Did the public know that he wanted me to use my powers to harm rather than heal at one point? That he wanted to call me Eris instead? 

“What do you want?” He seems to have relaxed a little and he smiles in a way that makes my stomach turn. 

“You looked a little worse for wear in there at the mention of your friend.” I press the blade into his neck almost enough to pierce his skin. “Hey calm down now! I’ve got something that can help you!” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” What could this guy possibly have that I want? He looks like a sleezeball. 

“You see I go to these meetings to find people I can help. There’s a lot of people who just can’t move on. They’d rather go back to a time before all of this bullshit. How would you like to go back and relive your best memories? To smell, taste, and feel everything just like you’re there again?” Who the hell wouldn’t want that? Is there a point to this? “You ever heard of Recall?” The name vaguely rings a bell. A new drug that was ruining lives, something Steve and Natasha wanted off the streets now that things like that were on their radar. 

“You want me to buy drugs off of you? You knew who I was and thought it was a good idea to try to sell me drugs?” He shrugs as much as he can with me still pressing him to a wall. 

“I saw the way you looked like you’d rather have died than been sitting in there with those people. The way you reacted when your friend started talking about that Barnes guy, rumor is he was your soulmate.” This time I do cut into his skin, although it’s shallowly. When the fuck are people going to learn to keep their mouths shut about him?

“Jesus, take the knife off me and I’ll give you some free of charge! You could be right back with your man the first time he told you he loved you by bedtime!” I release my hold on him like he burned me. Could I really be back with Bucky? Even if it was just memory, could I feel him again? The temptation is too great, I hold my hand out in acceptance of his offer. He grins in that unnerving way again and reaches into his coat pocket. A baggy containing a bottle that doesn’t look much different than a thing of Visine is inside, it’s an unnaturally bright purple. “Put three drops in a cup of hot tea or a something before you lay down to go to sleep. Now make sure no ones gonna come in and try to wake you up for the first few hours because they won’t be able to and that could cause you some unnecessary problems. You’re going to feel like you’re really there again. You can’t control what you’ll see but it’s always a good experience. I’ll put my card in there and if you want some more just let me know and we can meet here again.” What the hell was I getting myself into? I don’t bother saying anything else before I snatch the baggy from his hand. 

I walk back the way I had originally came from and notice Steve and Natasha just now walking out of the VA. I might as well go back with them so I can try this stuff out. Steve looks more than a little shocked to see me sliding into the backseat. When we are all bucked in he starts to say my name. 

“Steve let’s not do this ok? Just forget about it. I forgive you and realize you only wanted to try to help, I just needed to cool off a minute. I just want to get back so I can get some sleep, this took a lot out of me.” Is it horrible that I don’t feel bad lying? I just don’t have it in me to argue or get upset right now and all I can think about is the small baggy that is weighing down my pocket. Will it really work?   
************

I say my good nights and even throw hugs in for good measure, maybe it’ll get them off my back long enough to get a full nights sleep in and really see what this stuff can do. I take a cup of hot chamomile tea back with me to bed and do as the man told me to, only three drops. The taste is vile but I chug it all down at once regardless. I dig an old hoodie of Bucky’s I hadn’t worn yet out of the back of my closet and slip it on before laying down. My mind is buzzing and the colors of my room seem to blur together around me. Is it working?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is going to start right before Captain America Winter Soldier!

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me some love and follow along!


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